Saturday, February 25, 2006
todae i went for my drums lesson.. after tat went for cafe than for bs.
during cafe, my mum suddenly called me and scream at me.. after being continuoesly yelled at for so many times and screaming back so many times too.. i felt so exhausted.. i didnt even bother to reply my mum i just sink into the nearest chair i could see... after awhile the phone hung up.. i was almost cloze to tears.. she called back and continued yelling.. i knew i was going to cry so i walk towards polly but before i could reach her i squat down and tears were welling up in my eyes i stand up again attempting to be ok but i took a few steps and just collaps on the floor and started crying.. than she hung up the call... i just cried la.. couldnt help it.. i have been tolerating it for so long already.. it just burst..
Thank God for all my friends and him.. they were all just so loving and caring.. thanks polly.. thanks for the hug and the listening ear.. tats wat i needed most than..and thank you sam for the tissue=)
what was best is tat during God but lynette once said tat we must grit our teeths and believe... actually i am quite sure it was him.. during worship, thoughts just came to my head bout my mum...'she dont love me'God said'but i love u...'she doesnt care' God said 'but i care', 'she is not there for me' God said 'but i am here for u'. it was just the best thing i ever needed... i felt so loved and cared for..
when i got home, my mum started screaming again.. she doesnt noe how much she have hurt me.. all she could do was to pour out wat she is disatisfied about... she doesnt realise she is so self centred. she can sae she is not all the time she wants but just doesnt wanna admit the fact. i really dont wanna talk to her.. at least not now... i dont want to hear anything else she wants to complain about.. i am quite sure some people will be like huh u cry just over this.. but your really donno the full entire thing of wat she does all the time... i think i am mad... after she scold me i was even thinking of buying cloths for her when i went into chomel.. and on the way home get scolded again.. i seriously donno wat to do with her... she is the one draining me and pulling me down... i made a decision todae that no matter wat i am not going to let her drag me down anymore... i am not going to miss stuff so often coze of her..
one thing she doesnt realise is tat i dont even find a single bit of love at home.. my home is just a house filled with emptiness... i cant find my sister again... she is always missing..but she doesnt realise tat is the more why i wanna spend time in church and outside.. with God.. i find it more meaningful and so much more love.. at least i feel i am going somewhere and tat i am changing and tat God pastor and my leaders are slowly moulding my life into a better one.. i love it this way and she can seriously stop robbing it away from me... without God, pastors,leaders,church and friends i am nothing.. nothing at all..i am an ordinary person with an EXTRAORDINARY GOD...
anywayz.. i think i can do it!! i will always remember i can do all things through christ who strengthens me.. i guess it will always keep me moving.. thanks guys for all your love and support.. and thank you polly,jamie,yewlee and leon and all the others who were there for me or someway or another encouraged me=)